It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
