ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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