Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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