Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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