I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
