I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
