Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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