I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
