I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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