He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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