I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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