just tell him i said nine months
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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