I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
