last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I love how my cats smell like pot.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
