tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
