She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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