Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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