Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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