i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
i've created a new STD.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
