That's when you crack a 10am beer
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Randomize
