Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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