Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
