Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I AM VODKA MAN
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
