I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
