My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
