We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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