so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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