does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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