You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
