quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
