I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Randomize
