put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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