Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
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