Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
