Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
