I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
That's how pantless uber rides happen
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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