Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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