3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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