1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
