You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Randomize
