i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
