Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Randomize
