I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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