i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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