People in love make me want to vomit
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
