I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
