Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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