I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
