i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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