i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
